"Go to back to school. Then you'll learn some English and understand what I'm saying."
A man said this to me the other day, with absolutely no provocation.
I’ve been spoiling for a fight ever since. Normally I can ignore the “Ni hao” and the “Can you speak Asian?” (I’m sorry, no, but do you speak Caucasian?) and the times my best friend’s boyfriend would call me flat-chested and say “I smell spring rolls— oh wait no, it’s just Cass here.”
Rolling with my friends’ ethnic jokes? I can do that. Sometimes. But right now I’m fighting a sugar hangover and hating on the heteronormative paradigm, and there’s too much cranky in my system to play nice. The next bigot who incorrectly assumes I’m an international student, and therefore easy prey, will find me getting ghetto Asian gangster on their ass. And then I’ll correct their grammar."
I immigrated to NZ from HK when I was 7 years old. I was fairly young and growing up in NZ, I was always aware of my skin colour. I'm talking about the type of awareness that caves into a sense of inferiority and a total downsize on the old self esteem. Looking back, I can't contribute these feelings to the racial tension because as a child, I was insanely shy and insecure to begin with and to be honset, I find it hard to remember any specific racial incidents that made me feel this way. I moved with my family to Oregon when I was 17 and I did my undergrad there for 4 years and worked for another and it was here, in the States that I shed my shyness, grabbed a bit of the american assertiveness (a good thing for me) and quickly became unaware of my race in a way that once impedded me. To you, this might sound bad, to forget that you're what ever ethnicity you are but to me, it is not all black and white. To me, I am not forgetting that I'm chinese. I know fully who I am but being chinese should not take over who I am. I'm not sure if readers can relate and that is fine if you can't but it is hard for me to judge how far I need to explain myself.
I never knew how much I've changed in Oregon until I moved back to NZ for my Masters degree. It was a double culture shock. There is something about NZ that I can not explain. It is as if I've acquired a bit of my old insecurity and my new self is battling with the old. I am again, aware of my race and my outgoing side has been sucker punched in the face, twice. The social contrast is so big that now I thought of how I never felt a racial divide on my own part when I was in Oregon. I was Tiffany, loud, scientist and Chinese. Now, I saw myself as Chinese, Tiffany, Scientist, awkward. Some times I'd like to think it's all me but I can't help to think the environment affects me. It does. It totally does. Don't get me wrong, my kiwi friends are insanely awesome and I love them to death but you do have to make more of an effort to become friends than you would in my American experience. An american friend of mine, whom I met in NZ was working in the same city I was living in. He has since moved back to Portland as well and we talked about this very topic. To my relief, it was not just me. He's an American caucasian and he said that it was so difficult for him to make any friends, he found NZers to be more conservative socially despite them being "friendly". I agreed with him and sometimes think that people would think that we're crazy for contradicting ourselves in one whole sentence.
Whilst in Dunedin, NZ, I recieved two different types of bigotry. One was the outright "Go home you asians!" screams out of driving cars, the usual bottle throwings, the pumping of the gas to threaten to run you over when you're legally walking across the street. The other is more subtle, it has good intentions but is not considered PC. This type irks me but the good intentions over ride their narrow mindedness. These type of irks include " Your english is good!", "Konnichiwa!" (This one can be used in the outright way, of which I have experienced) and "Hooow doo youu like Newww Zealand?". The latter sent me crying to a bathroom. My last two year stints in NZ has made me come to terms with the fact that there will always be a small percentage of people that are like this, even though I have not encountered such experiences in Oregon, it does not mean they do not exsist. I'm lucky enough to have experienced both sides to know not to be bitter, scared or angry. (I am sometimes but not for long, for it is not I with the small capacity to accept diversity) It also makes me so very thank ful for all the lovely friends that I have made in NZ that proves to me that my new self is still very much intact.
This concludes this month's heavy post.
7 comments:
Argh! I can't believe people in NZ say those things. There are of course racist people in the US, but they usually keep their mouths shut. I'm only part Chinese, but if someone makes a racial slur - even as a joke - I get really mad. I've heard that New Zealanders are racist - especially against Asians, which has turned me off from ever wanting to visit the country. But there are so many wonderful NZ fashion blogger like you, that are making me change my mind on the subject. So stay strong - you're not alone!!
Thanks. I know it is a pity that a few spoil it for the majority of us.
Amazing how these things can turn us inside out and dent even a strong self esteem on a bad day. Try not to take it to heart. Infuriating as it is, we just have to accept that there will always be bigots out there to contend with and a bigots come in all shapes, colours and sizes. As a white South African I have people make assumptions and say things about me that are based purely on my skin colour too, and what they think that means about who I am and what I believe, and my history in that context. Sometimes I challenge them, sometimes I just let it go and think 'take it from whence it comes', sometimes it really hurts and upsets me... But, as long as you are sure in your heart who you are - as you clearly are now - what they think doesn't really matter. We are more than the sum of our (obvious) parts and it's their loss for not actually bothering to look beyond what they see and the stereotype they attach to that!
PS may I call you Tiffany in future? :)
Kendalee, you can definitely call me Tiffany from now on!
:)
You're very right, it is definitely not our loss, it is theirs. I know what you mean about challenging people's stereotype of us. I get that strong urge as well, you try to scream your personality out of your stereotype by others but sometimes we need not prove to anyone but ourselves.
:)
You've pretty much described how I feel perfectly.
That being said, NZ is a pretty damn fabulous place. AsianCajuns, I hope you can visit some day. Don't let those rumours put you off!
grrr.
ignorant people in a wrong environment can really negatively color your world. I have a lovely friend whose mother was from South Korea, and my naive self was shocked at the comments she would get - from nasty words screamed at her to the time she mentioned to someone that she'd like to open a little restaurant someday. "Oh, a Chinese restaurant?" this woman asked. oh, and all the creepy jerks who would tell her how they always wanted to be with an "Asian girl." ugh!
i've had my own strange encounters with racism - over the years people have "accused" me of being Jewish. I've been told that I "look like a Jew" (said in a disgusted tone) and "I hate Jews and I know you're one"...and an ex boyfriend's grandmother told him to break up with me because she could tell I was Jewish. What on earth?!
Maybe my friend and I should move to Oregon (or some similarly enlightened place)...
Dunedin was never like that for me... unfortunately I think there is some of our generation who grew up with bad parenting! I did get the occasional 'Konnichiwa' from school kids but I used to throw back a 'Bonjour' or 'Guten Tagg' which would stump 'em.
I was the only Asian kid at my primary school of about 100 kids for a few years, until a Korean girl joined my class. When I was little and had just come to NZ I used to make friends with anyone Asian, I think because I thought they were more like me. In primary school, I was always cast as the witch in role-playing games. Princesses were all blonde in those days!
I stumble with the question'Where are you from?' because the answer that someone is looking for can be so different. I can say that I'm from New Zealand, and then they'll ask - but where are you originally from? And the whole family story has to come out in it's lovely but clunky chunky glory. Grandparents from China, parents born in Malaysia, me born in Singapore, raised in New Zealand, now in the UK. But the world is increasingly international... just think of the identity our future children will have? Beautiful heritage, but complex!
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