I've been running on empty for the past week or so upon the news of Aaron not graduating. Again. I'm tired of feeling angry then sad then restlessness and then a huge surge of anger and pulling torn feelings. I'm tired of having feelings. The past two years in Portland has been built on a dream that Aaron would graduate and we would be closer to moving to Australia to start our life together. Thus, I feel like I'm awaiting for my life to start, a new fresh start that is quickly moving out of my sight. It is a most restlessness, impatient type of feeling to be in a place but not want to get rooted because you know something new is just around the corner.
I love him. A lot. I thought I knew I loved him until this year, whilst driving to work, I realised, I really truly do. Now I think I understand this other facet of love. This type of love that would make the old me snark and huff and possibly do an imaginary puke hand signal. This love has changed me. It has made me eat my words, twice and I hate eating my own words. As frustrated as I am, I want to support him. I will support him. I just want him to show me that, our being together is enough of a drive for him to finish school. I want things I never wanted before. I want to be married (!!!) and have a family (!!!!!!!!!!!) and have a place of our own. I want it all with him.
So having said that, the creative inspirations has hit a cemented brick wall covered in barb wires. I can't get this underlaying anger to subside, I'm fighting between myself one second after the other and it is taking up 95% of my brain. I stuffed up so many experiments on Friday because my mind was so occupied with questions and thoughts that there was no room for logical thinking.
How ironic it is that I'm working on my wedding collection on Muntedkowhai. No huge inspirations coming forth.
5 comments:
Everything comes to a halt sometimes and you need to take a deep breath and gather your thoughts. Maybe, you need to think about Melbourne on your own first, and then Aaron will hopefully, follow not too far behind. You have many shoulders to fall on and many ears to listen. I love you!!!
You can get through this. Life sometimes throws an unexpected wrench into your plans, but in the end it can be a good thing. It can make you realize whats important and most importantly you learn more about yourself. Maybe you should follow your mums plans and still go to Autralia? Don't throw away plans you want to keep. I know its hard now, but things will settle & you might even be glad this happened years from now....Sitting down and writing always helps me release stress and emotion. Hang in their kiddo! I know many people (especially peeps who have never even met you in person!) are thinking of you. It'll be OK!
Thank you you guys. Actually writing this post has helped me release alot of impatience and anger and that is very nice. I'm determined to make this work and be a supportive partner.I'm a most impatient girl! Your comments and emails means so much to me. I'm deeply touched.
(Hugs) The same sort of thing happened with my now husband and I. He graduated late and then wouldn't look for any other job besides bartending for 2 years. I don't know if it was fear of growing up or what. We broke up for a while, but I realized that it wasn't that he didn't love me enough, rather that everyone finds their own path at different times. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out mine! There is always a period of upheaval before things settle into place. You and Aaron will find your way!
Hello cuz,
Sorry to hear the difficult times you're going through... it's a bit of a stuck record but I'm sure you'll work it out between you! It may be that you'll have to make a compromise here and there to be together, hopefully you will be able to make that decision together. Hang in tight, and why not look up jobs in Aussie anyway if that's the direction you'd like your life to head?
Love you!
Char
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