Friday, September 04, 2009

It comes out of no where

it has been a while now and still distant roaming in my head, thinking of you, will trigger sadness and inevitably tears. they are not tears because i'm thinking of how you suffered those last few months, no. they're tears because my memories of you are happy, feisty and always filled with laughter and they come because we won't be able to make any more of those memories. i just have to close my eyes and concentrate on one event, one colour, a joke and compact them in my head until for a split seconds, it is as if i am there. that makes me sad. that makes me miss you. it is surreal. it is as if it not tangible that you are gone.

two years ago, when i was visiting hong kong, i came to visit you at your apartment. you were down, i could tell. i sat next to you and it was alright being silent. i rest my head on your shoulder, the side they took your tumor out of and rested my hands on your soft smooth arm.
you said to me, when i'm gone, remember to be good.

i told her to not say silly things.

that was the only time she mentioned leaving us.

that was the real her, she never like to be sad.

and now i'm sad, as i remember all those childhood nights spent in malaysia with the air con on, in our light pjs and we're all laughing and gossiping about so and so.

so i'm going to bed now, trying to focus in on that one smile of yours, the contagious giggle and dream of you


sarasophia said...

I am thinking of your sad heart and wishing I could give it a tiny flannel blanket and a cup of tea.

It is a terrible thing to miss someone.

I feel the same way about my great-grandfather.
He was my best friend and passed away when I was 15--he was 91.

Not a day goes by that I don't stand very still in my head...and try to take myself back to his kitchen, where we made pancakes and watched red birds out the window.

I say a prayer for you tonight.

bluryee said...

I get what you mean. I still miss her a lot and the grief that comes outta nowhere still gets me.

Last Sat morning I was driving to French class, was listening to a song about a funeral & the tears just came. I still have flashbacks of my last looks of her in the casket and the way I felt crying when I was in HK is still so vivid, it's choking.

I guess she never really left us, for all the laughter & good times we've had will always be in our heart.

*big hugs*